Munkába állás előtti gondolatok, amelyekről utólag jöttem rá, hogy mennyire igazak - angolul, mert úgy jöttek.

Yes, let's get those supposedly hard working days I was longing for so badly started. I’m a bit afraid, though. Funnily, I’m not afraid of getting hell early, no… I’m not afraid of losing my long morning sleeps. Actually, I know very well that I don’t need them; they do more bad to me than good, so whatsoever inconvenient as it is to let them go, it's necessary and in a way liberating. Liberating because I will do something much more fruitful in the mornings than lay in bed and pretend to sleep or day-dream long hours before I get ashamed of myself and force myself to get out of the bed, but end up watching a second-rank Chinese series which doesn't even interest me… (not to mention: I can't even differentiate the characters...)

So no, I'm not afraid of losing my mornings.

But I really am afraid of losing my evenings. It scares me a lot to think of losing them because evening is the only time of the day when I feel liberated to dare to write and that is the only thing that can truly, totally relax me… Without the dark, silent hours of it, I don't know how to cope with the everyday world. Even if I don’t write every day, and actually I didn’t write for a long time. But that is my writing time and just to know that it is mine is enough. To know that anytime I feel the need for it, I will just have to wait till the sun goes down and the house gets quiet, and I can give myself to it.

The thought of losing it is quite scary…
…even though I’m giving it up for whole days of writing. But that is not the same.